by assbach

This article is big. I don’t mean the length but the meaning for my life. More than ever the 3 principles of authenticity, truth and honesty are showing up as obstacles to become improved in my life. Usually I pay average attention to them but lately there were several arguments with other people around this topic. I realized that I want to become more honest and direct. In the past I tended to cover the truth  self-sacrificing myself to avoid trouble. I did this completely unconsciously because I believed in my ability to maintain peace no matter what. But I was blind to the differences that exist in the area of kindness.

The difference: being kind but honest or being fake

I don’t need to be mean to be honest like I imagined back then. I realized that I can combine both ways together and avoid to be fake. If you try to be someone else than your feelings are telling yourself, you are fake. For my self I was behaving fake because I believed that there is more value in current peace than in longtime honesty. I was simply afraid of being rejected in my childhood and this pattern lasts until today in my subconscious. But also for myself it’s time to change my mind and start being more authentic than I ever was. I must face the truth and realize that there is no need for the fear of being rejected for me anymore. I am self-confident today, I know my values and I am ready to fight for my path. If you disagree with me I won’t put you down. But if you won’t accept me I continue my journey regardless of yours.

Truth and honesty lead to authenticity. The profound question: “Who am I?” will be answered through acting honest, speaking words of truth. Never hesitate to express your view. There will be always someone hatin’ on you. But if you continue walking on this path you’ll get to know yourself better a lot along the journey.

Today for me it’s more valuable to know myself than to please everybody.

by Freewine

Today I want to talk briefly about something that touched me lately alot.
For me it was very hard to push myself to finish goals, or pursue some of my big dreams, or implement some necessary habits. All these things have one thing in common and I thought for a long time by myself that this one thing was just a lack of self-discipline. I mean, it’s obvious, isn’t it? But lately things changed. I’ve realized something different that these failures all had in common.  It was not a lack of self-discipline. I just did not wanted to do them. Not at all.

What the hell?

Yes I know. It sounds really stupid. But I got to tell you something about myself first. Soon after discovering personal development for myself I started to read a lot. I got some ideas about what really was possible in my life and saw many people doing great stuff. Some of them impressed me more than others. The greatest example will be Steve Pavlina. Oh hell I read a lot on his blog and I noticed patterns in his behavior. What he did, what he not did. And slowly I started to shift from focusing what I wanted, what my heart really wanted, to what my mind told me to want. I never realized the difference. But I started to set goals and dreams for myself that I got from outside of myself. From others. My mind told me what a dream life should be like. It’s like people who say their dream life would contain a villa, ten cars, a playmate as a wife and some fame. But when they achieve something similar, they realize that this was nothing than dust. I had the same experience just that I wasn’t materialistic at all and it all played in the field of personal development.

Some of the dreams were the same my heart wanted to pursue but my mind stayed in control and forced me to work on my goals whenever I had free time. I felt like I really wanted to but I never achieved anything significant through this method. My mind started to go crazy. Imagine me working on several different goals but none of them succeeded. I was confused. I asked myself the biggest question I could imagine: “What’s my purpose and passion?”

I still was confused and so I started to search. I tried to become a Rapstar. Rawfoodist. A full-time blogger. A Beat Producer. Novelist. Coach for Rap, the Law of Attraction or Rawfood. It was horrible because non of my goals really worked and I couldn’t understand why. My only answer was every time: “This is not my passion. I need to move on.” I really felt like a so-called “scanner” who never gets something done. I was frustrated, depressed and even considered to drop out of school. I really could not understand what was going on.

The Magical Helper

I was discouraged and created for myself a wallpaper saying: “I have clarity. I know my passion. I know the steps and goals for the dreams I want to achieve.” but I didn’t expected it to work at all. In the meantime I got to know a new girl, who is now a good friend of mine. We met because of social media and rawfood, but none of us was really into it, we both saw it like a future dream we want to accomplish as soon as possible so we had some sense of connection between us. We don’t really could go on without arguing a bit but I take all of her critisizm serious.  She told me that I was not myself. I was hiding behind the mask of several Steve Pavlinas or Leo Babautas. I did not understand a word she was saying there. But it touched me somewhere deep down and on the same weekend my girlfriend and I had a long conversation about some small problems we had in our relationship. It was weird but we figured out that I had problems to be myself again. I shut myself and my feelings down to protect myself and my girlfriend from “unnecessary problems” I wanted to solve for myself. I’ve read Eckhart Tolle’s “The Power Of Now” and wanted to get those emotions and thoughts out of my brain. I thought: “This is stupid! I don’t want and should feel like that. It’s not reality what I feel. I don’t need to feel this way.” and lied several times to my girlfriend about my mood.

But in reality this was exactly the problem. What caused myself to feel bad was her clinging to her best friend (male) but I had no reason to feel bad because I knew she loves me. But because of myself shutting down my emotions I got very cold to her and she needed heartiness from me. But because I was unconsciously unable to provide her with the feeling of love (although I REALLY wanted!) she walked over to her best friend. Unconsciously. What a circle.

So what happened after I’ve started to say what I was feeling? My ideal outcome of not feeling bad about the situation came in through what I feared the most! This is so incredible. Now the problem gradually gets solved because we both know what we need. Our love. And this started to open my eyes a bit. I started to tell others again what I felt AND told them, that I know I don’t need to feel that way and I was going to fix it. But for that time I just wanted to let them know.

What About The Passion Thing?

Well. A few days after these experience I had another fight conversation with that new girl. She told me again that I needed to stop doing something and watch myself. Zen stuff. I knew Zen but I didn’t understand again until speaking to my girlfriend. We revealed what I told you above. I was searching for my passion while using my mind. Ironically I even tried to ask my intuition and had no success, while I suppose that this small voice was screaming to me all the time. I just had not listened to it.

What did I did? I stopped to do something. I stopped and listened. What did my heart wanted right now? Shut up fuckin’ mind! Silence. Silence. And then a little voice appeared and told me things like go for a walk. Or read a book, a NOVEL again. No personal development stuff. Things I did very rarely. I was confused. But I did it. It felt good and .. nothing else. It just felt good. It wasn’t part of a goal, of a great plan. I wasn’t achieving something significant. I did nothing but enjoyed stuff. CRAZY. WEIRD. Is this life..?

Now I try to stop my mind thinking in terms of achievements. Successes. Goals. I just wanted to know what I really wanted first. Then I could move on. And until I don’t discover what my heart really pushes myself into I just will write or rap or eat or dance or draw or create what feels good to me.

I think this is called to “Go With The Flow”.